


Breathing

by AdequateMatter



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-08
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 06:43:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2099508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdequateMatter/pseuds/AdequateMatter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After years of living outside the protection of the walls, a lost warrior finally comes home to a world she left so long ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There is always a nagging fear for those of us who live inside the walls. My father, unlike many people, is brave. He is strong. He goes outside our barriers to kill titans before they arrive and try to do us harm. Some people believe he is insane, that his missions are stupidly risking he and his subordinate's lives, but they are severely wrong. The Survey Corps does everything they can, and what do the fools who criticize them do? They cower behind the stone in fear for their own lives. Once I'm old enough, I'm going to join the Scout Regiment, just like my dad. He is in charge of his own squad where my friend Usagi Ando is stationed. I met her through my father's work and even though she is older, she's still fun to hang out with.

"Ren!" my dad calls, snapping me out of my daydream.

I jump off my bed and sprint out the door to where my father and his squad are standing. "Don't tell me you have to go already!" I exclaim.

"It'll only be a few days. We'll be back in no time! Be good while I'm gone, okay?" he says and I nod, rushing forward to hug him goodbye.

"Don't I get one?!" Usagi says, hurt. I smile and wrap my small arms around her waist. "See you in a little while, kiddo."

She ruffles my hair and then I stand on the front porch waving until they're out of sight. I take off down a series of streets until I reach the ladder I use to climb the wall. I'm the colonel's daughter. The guards don't mind. I hurry up to where I can see the gate and watch the squad leave on their horses. A grin spreads across my face as they trot along the winding dirt road towards the forest. Then, like a roll of thunder, the ground begins to shake in a rhythm. Footsteps. A titan comes crashing out of the trees, flailing its arms wildly and clashing its teeth. The squad's horses neigh and attempt to run. A horrid show plays before me, first more titans ambush the group, then one by one each member is taken from their ride.

"DAD!" I scream, tears rolling down my face as a creepy titan snaps Usagi's neck, plopping her into its mouth. "Dad, RUN!" The people manning the cannons just stand in shock as the greatest squad of titan killers is eaten. "Don't just stand there! Load the cannons! Do something! Help them!"

I watched in horror as my father, being the brave, strong man he was, fell to the wrath of the titans. Then I tripped. My mind went blurry and I tumbled off the wall... onto the other side.


	2. Return of the Lost - Part 1

Eight Years Later  
~~~~~~~~  
I swing swiftly through the trees, careful not to break any branches. With my sword I had found in a long abandoned village, I hunt for titans. A twig snaps and I avert my gaze downwards to see a squad trotting along on their horses. By their uniforms I can tell they are Survey Corps, out on another mission. I hadn't realized I was this close to the road....

"Aw, lighten up, Levi!" a girl with ginger hair says.

The boy's expression is pure boredom and does not falter with his comrades attempts. His eyes shift up to mine and I don't move. "There's someone following us," he says blandly, looking away.

His subordinates jump off there horses and draw there weapons. I gracefully leap to the ground in front of them and glance between each person before walking away. "Hey! Wait!" the ginger-haired girl shouts, running in front of me. "We haven't found any survivors in a long time! How did you make it?!" I am bombarded with questions but I stay silent. "What's your name?!"

"Ren Hatsumori," I finally speak. It's been so long since I've said anything. I'm surprised I still know how, but no emotion shows on my face.

The squad freezes and I even see a speck of feeling flash by in Levi's eyes. "You're missing..." another man whispers.

"And now you've found me. Congratulations," I say sarcastically, continuing to leave.

The girl stops me again. "We have to bring you back! You don't understand how long people have been searching for you!" she insists.

"You can go back and tell them you found me, but I was reluctant and chose to stay living outside."

"Arrogant bitch," Levi mutters.

I chuckle, "Snotty brat." Everyone freezes as he comes forward and raises his hand to slap me, but I catch his arm. "Don't touch me. I am no better than you, but that gives you no right to lay a finger on me."

He stands there until I release him and start walking down the dirt path once more. "Commander Erwin would want to speak with you," he says.

I stop in my tracks. Erwin Smith, the sole survivor of my father's squad. I turn around and smirk, "Which way?"  
~  
The stuffy office makes me feel cramped and claustrophobic after being outside in the fresh air for so long, except the occasional smell of a filthy, un-bathed titan. I stand still, my eyes wandering around the room until the door slams shut and Erwin hastily rounds me, making sure I'm real.

"My God..." he whispers. "I thought you were dead! What happened?"

"I took a fifty meter plunge off the wall. I would've been dead if a pile of titan corpses hadn't broken my landing," I explain.

He stands there solemnly. "I'm sorry about your father."

"It was inevitable," I state, choking back my emotions. If I let one slip, they'll all come rushing out.

"You have your mother's eyes and your father's spirit," he chuckles, seating himself behind his desk. I feel another pang in my chest. My mom died of complications during my birth and I've always blamed myself for it. Dad told me not to feel guilty, but it haunts me every day. "How about Captain Levi shows you to your room. I'm assuming your staying, right?"

"I guess I'll have to decide tomorrow morning, then," I say and he smiles.

I trail behind Levi as he leads me through the corridors. "Keep up, will you?" he says harshly.

"Oh, I won't get lost. Even if I hadn't grown up here, your unwavering scent of cleanliness will guide me," I smirk as he rolls his eyes.

"We're here," his tone is nonchalant as he stops in front of my door. I open it and begin inside. "Aren't you going to say 'thank you', ungrateful pig?"

I chuckle and turn around. "You won't be satisfied either way, shitfaced brat." I shut the door in his face, leaving him irritated and angry. Now, what am I going to say to Erwin tomorrow...


	3. Return of the Lost - Part 2

Eight Years Later  
~~~~~~~~  
I swing swiftly through the trees, careful not to break any branches. With my sword I had found in a long abandoned village, I hunt for titans. A twig snaps and I avert my gaze downwards to see a squad trotting along on their horses. By their uniforms I can tell they are Survey Corps, out on another mission. I hadn't realized I was this close to the road....

"Aw, lighten up, Levi!" a girl with ginger hair says.

The boy's expression is pure boredom and does not falter with his comrades attempts. His eyes shift up to mine and I don't move. "There's someone following us," he says blandly, looking away.

His subordinates jump off there horses and draw there weapons. I gracefully leap to the ground in front of them and glance between each person before walking away. "Hey! Wait!" the ginger-haired girl shouts, running in front of me. "We haven't found any survivors in a long time! How did you make it?!" I am bombarded with questions but I stay silent. "What's your name?!"

"Ren Hatsumori," I finally speak. It's been so long since I've said anything. I'm surprised I still know how, but no emotion shows on my face.

The squad freezes and I even see a speck of feeling flash by in Levi's eyes. "You're missing..." another man whispers.

"And now you've found me. Congratulations," I say sarcastically, continuing to leave.

The girl stops me again. "We have to bring you back! You don't understand how long people have been searching for you!" she insists.

"You can go back and tell them you found me, but I was reluctant and chose to stay living outside."

"Arrogant bitch," Levi mutters.

I chuckle, "Snotty brat." Everyone freezes as he comes forward and raises his hand to slap me, but I catch his arm. "Don't touch me. I am no better than you, but that gives you no right to lay a finger on me."

He stands there until I release him and start walking down the dirt path once more. "Commander Erwin would want to speak with you," he says.

I stop in my tracks. Erwin Smith, the sole survivor of my father's squad. I turn around and smirk, "Which way?"  
~  
The stuffy office makes me feel cramped and claustrophobic after being outside in the fresh air for so long, except the occasional smell of a filthy, un-bathed titan. I stand still, my eyes wandering around the room until the door slams shut and Erwin hastily rounds me, making sure I'm real.

"My God..." he whispers. "I thought you were dead! What happened?"

"I took a fifty meter plunge off the wall. I would've been dead if a pile of titan corpses hadn't broken my landing," I explain.

He stands there solemnly. "I'm sorry about your father."

"It was inevitable," I state, choking back my emotions. If I let one slip, they'll all come rushing out.

"You have your mother's eyes and your father's spirit," he chuckles, seating himself behind his desk. I feel another pang in my chest. My mom died of complications during my birth and I've always blamed myself for it. Dad told me not to feel guilty, but it haunts me every day. "How about Captain Levi shows you to your room. I'm assuming your staying, right?"

"I guess I'll have to decide tomorrow morning, then," I say and he smiles.

I trail behind Levi as he leads me through the corridors. "Keep up, will you?" he says harshly.

"Oh, I won't get lost. Even if I hadn't grown up here, your unwavering scent of cleanliness will guide me," I smirk as he rolls his eyes.

"We're here," his tone is nonchalant as he stops in front of my door. I open it and begin inside. "Aren't you going to say 'thank you', ungrateful pig?"

I chuckle and turn around. "You won't be satisfied either way, shitfaced brat." I shut the door in his face, leaving him irritated and angry. Now, what am I going to say to Erwin tomorrow...


	4. Gone Tomorrow, Back Today

After we had sat there for a few more minutes I left Levi and stumbled back to my room, knowing the way past Erwin's office. I guess I'll be staying another night, but maybe this was the Commander's plan all along. He probably had the Captain help him in getting me lost for the day just so I'd have to sleep here again. I sigh and drop back onto the bed, falling asleep almost instantly as my head touches the pillow. Well, I'm exhausted from running around the castle whether it was Erwin's plan or not...

I awake to thunder growling as the sky lights up for a split second before returning to darkness. I can tell it's early morning and the sun wouldn't be visible even if there wasn't a storm. I grab my original clothes that I wore here and swing my sword across my shoulder. Erwin is fast asleep as I quietly sneak into his room to say goodbye. 

"Hopefully it isn't forever," I whisper and leave as silently as I came.

I turn back once I reach Wall Maria and gaze over what I have chosen against. I remember when the Titans took this wall and a single tear slides diwn my cheek. It's better that I don't stick around too long. I'm just like a ghost.  
~  
[FOUR MONTHS LATER (850)]

It's been more lonely than usual after being around people a couple months ago, but I had to leave. I'm not fit for living inside the walls. At first I saw a couple of Scout Regiment groups out looking for me. I wish they wouldn't have risked their lives for such a hopeless cause, so thankfully they quit searching. Sometimes I sneak up to Wall Maria and watch over the Titan - infested district. More than once I've killed a titan or two to keep them away from the other barrier. I'd always let the variant types go so the scientists could capture them. 

I roll over on my makeshift bed suspended from a tree and stare out over the forest. An urge rises in my stomach and consumes me with the feeling. Today is the day I want to go back. I knew this was coming; that I had to visit Erwin again someday. I feel as though if I don't do it soon there won't ever be another chance.  
~  
Levi's P.O.V.

"She's been gone for four months, what are the chances-" I begin.

Erwin cuts me off, "She survived out there since she was eleven! There's a pretty good damn chance!" 

"She left at her own will! We shouldn't be risking our men for a-"

"Sirs, it's her. Ren has returned," a soldier barges through the door.

Erwin and I glance at each other before running out of the room. We stop beside the main road and watch as Ren swiftly walks past the gaping crowds of soldiers. She spots us but continues down the street and out of sight. Everyone resumes what they were doing, though now there is talk about the event. Erwin simply walks through the crowd and down the road Ren turned onto. He knows where she went.


	5. Memories - Part 1

Ren's P.O.V.

I slowly push open the old door and cough as dust circulates around me. The house is the same as we left it, including the pile of dirty clothes still stacked in the corner of my room. Only one thing has been moved; father's 3d maneuvering gear sits on the dining room table, untouched for years. Erwin must've brought it back after... everything. 

 

The floor still creaks in the same spots and mother's vanity has a thicker layer of dust on it. I wipe off the picture of my parent's wedding that sits atop father's desk. Next to it there is a picture of me when I was younger, but I don't uncover it. Some things are better left unkept, like this house and everything inside. It holds too many memories to ever be messed with.

"I ordered that no one cleaned anything," Erwin says, standing in the doorway of my room. He comes and sits next to me on my bed, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "Why did you leave?"

I wipe the few tears off of my cheeks. "I'm not fit for living inside the walls," I answer.

"So why did you come back?" 

"Because I guess I'm going to have to get used to it," I smile, looking up at a grinning Erwin.  
~  
"Do you still wish to join the Scout Regiment?" Erwin asks as we saddle horses. I nod. "Then we head for the training grounds. This is the last week the recruits have before the Ceremony."

"Don't I need three years of training?" I raise an eyebrow.

"I have a feeling you already have your father's capabilities." He grins proudly. 

We ride in silence to the training grounds and I watch the recruits quietly as Erwin puts our horse's in the stables. He leads me to the 104th Trainee Squad commander Shadis. "Who would this be, Commander Erwin?"

"This is Ren Hatsumori; Barren's daughter," he answers, still having a proud grin on his face. 

"It can't be..." Shadis circles me, getting a closer look before letting out a chuckle. All of the recruits attention is turned to us because it is a rarity to here this retired commander laughing. "Your father was one of the best captains the Survey Corps ever had. You've got a lot of potential in you."

"Thank you, sir," I say. 

Erwin nods, clearly pleased with my manners. After living outside for so long maybe people have begun to think I'm some sort of savage animal, but I'm still human. "You wouldn't mind if she joined the recruits for the last weeks, would you?" Erwin asks.

Shadis shakes his head. "I could use someone as talented as you. You'd be able to show these brats how a real soldier acts." 

Erwin pulls me to the side to say goodbye. "I'll see you at the Ceremony, okay?" 

"What if I don't do well?" I ask.

"You'll do fine, I'm sure of it. Goodbye, Ren." We hug and then go our separate ways.

Shadis leads me to the 3d maneuvering device practice and hooks me up to the machine. I feel my feet lift off of the ground and my breath catches in my throat. I center all of my weight and balance. Several of the other recruits stopped sparring with each other and started watching me. I am slowly let down and my breathing comes back to me. 

"Leonhardt!" Shadis yells and a blonde girl a few inches taller than me jogs up to us. "Go show Hatsumori what the trainees are practicing."

She nods and I follow her out into the opening where the recruits continue sparring. We put are hands up until Shadis isn't looking and then she drops her stance. "This isn't affecting our grade, is it?" I ask and she shakes her head. I lower my position as well and stroll alongside her. "Have you ever been outside the wall?"

"No," she answers bluntly.

"Military Police?" I ask and she nods. "I shouldn't judge people by their appearances, but you don't look afraid and don't want to cower behind the walls like the rest of the people who want to join the Military Police." I say and she stops to look me over for a moment. "Sorry."

"It's okay," she finally says after a moment. "Where are you from?"

I smile to myself as we keep walking. "Not the best neighborhood."

"Hey Annie!" A blond haired boy yells, motioning us over. "You too, new girl!"

We go towards him and see another boy with dark hair and light eyes staring at the loud mouthed one. "What do you want, Reiner?" Annie asks, folding her arms. 

He shoves the other boy at her. "Take the knife from Eren if you think this training is so easy!" Reiner says.

In two swift kicks Eren is on the ground moaning and Annie has the knife in hand. "Your turn," she says, throwing Reiner the wooden knife.

I watch her closely this time, memorizing her technique. Reiner is on the ground in the same position and I go to help the boys up. "Where'd you learn that move?" Eren asks Annie.

"My father taught it to me," she answers, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear. 

As we walk away something clicks in my mind. "You lied," I say and she stops dead in her tracks. "You have been outside the wall."


	6. Memories - Part 2

I see the moving before I feel the ground shake. My small supplies bag is easy to pack and then I am swinging towards the noise. The titan is in sight before I reach it. It's a variant. No. Wait. It's female. And it's aware. Is it a human titan? My father gave me a book about titans and told me to keep it safe, so I hid it under the floorboards. I read all about every type of titan that was ever recorded.

"Hey!" I shout, getting closer to the female titan. She stops and I hop onto a branch near her face. "You can hear me! Wow, you must really be a human titan..." She turns and begins to leave. "Wait! Who are you? Do you live outside Wall Maria like me?!" She shakes her head. "C-can you take me somewhere? Please? It'll take so long to walk and there are other titans in the way! Ones that aren't as friendly as you."

She holds out her hand and I grin, climbing on. I steer her all of the way to my tree-house that I made to live in. "Wait here!" I smile, running inside and grabbing my feather charm bracelet off of my little crooked table. I go back out and hold it up to her. "For helping me," I say and she takes it gently. "Thank you."

Annie lifts her shirt sleeve, revealing the bracelet. "I didn't recognize you," she chuckles lightly.

"I've changed a lot," I smile and she laughs, making everyone look at as strangely.  
~  
I sit alone as everyone else talks and laughs over dinner. There are the occasional glances, but no-one has really paid that much attention to me. Annie is sitting with her friends, but she's not saying anything. The blond boy is near her and his sparring partner is sitting at the same table with a girl and another boy. A short, pretty blonde girl comes to sit across from me with a tall brunette trailing close behind.

"Why are you sitting all alone?" The first girl asks.

"I don't really know anyone," I answer. 

"Well, keeping to yourself really isn't helping that, is it?" The taller one says.

"I suppose not."

The short one smiles and holds her hand out, "I'm Krista and this is Ymir."

"I'm Ren," I say.

"Come sit with everybody else!" Krista tugs at my hand and leads me over to the table where Reiner and Annie are seated. "Hey everybody, this is Ren!"

Everyone looks up and there eyes are glued to me. I never liked being the center of attention.... I seat myself next to an extremely tall boy on my right and Krista on my left. Nobody adverts their gaze so I stare at the ground for a few moments before Ymir speaks up.

"Would you guys quit gawking? She's uncomfortable with you staring at her," she says and all eyes move, except a pair of blue ones belonging to the girl beside Eren which linger a couple seconds longer.

Krista points out everyone to me and I repeat the names in my mind. "Are you going to eat that?" A girl named Sasha asks and Ymir glares at her.

"N-no, you can have it," I answer, pushing my plate across the table towards her.

"THANK YOU!" She yells, stuffing her face with food.

I chuckle, listening to everyone's busy conversations. It seems they're all excited for graduation. A lot of them want to join the Military Police, but that luxury is only entailed to the top ten cadets. Once dinner is over I follow Krista to the girl's dorm room. 

"Goodnight, Ren!" She says sleepily, crawling into her bed.

I smile to myself and stare at the ceiling with my hands resting on my stomach. I whisper, "Goodnight."


	7. Hurricane

The last couple of days have passed quickly. I mostly spent them training, of course, and getting to know everyone a bit better, or rather Krista telling me about each of the cadets. Annie and I only talk when we are paired for sparring and sometimes at meals. No-one has any clue about my past except her and they're all dying to know who the mysterious girl is, though they haven't confronted me... yet.

"Hey, Ren! Come over here!" Krista calls, beckoning me over to the table where all of the people she told me about sits. It's they're own group of friends that I don't really belong in. "Aren't you excited for graduation?!"

"Sure," I nod.

"If you could pick any and not have to be in the top ten, what would you choose; Survey Corps, Garrison Regiment, or Military Police?" Reiner barges into our conversation. 

Jean looks over at me and lets out a chuckle. "That's obvious!" he laughs. "If there wasn't a top ten cadets list we'd all pick Mil-" 

"Survey Corps," I answer and the room goes quiet.

"Why wouldn't you pick the Military?" Connie asks, breaking the silence.

I get up and head for the door. "Because my father was part of the Scouting Legion," I say before pushing out into the cool, fresh air. 

I hear yelling inside and then Eren walks out, clearly angered. Mikasa and Armin aren't far behind him as he begins towards me. His face relaxes more once he gets closer and his friends stop following, watching us. "They're cowards," he says, clearly still agitated about our fellow cadets.

"You shouldn't judge them," I state, shaking my head. "Everyone has their reasons, even if they seem inferior."

"But they want to stay inside the walls for safety. They're selfish!" He balls his fists up. 

He has passion, that's for sure. "What happens when there's no-one left behind the walls? Or the titans kill the rest of us? I feel better knowing that some strong cadets are able to fight for the remaining humans past Wall Sina," I let out a light sigh. "You're partially right, though. It seems the better we are at killing titans, the farther we are able to get from them. But I think you talked some since into them in there. Enough, at least, to make them think about their decision."

Color rushes to his cheeks and he drops his hands. "Y-you heard that?" 

I nod. 

"Well, I-I'm going to head to bed. See you tomorrow, Ren." And with that he takes off towards the boys dorm.

Armin continues following Eren, but Mikasa stops to say something to me. "He's so foolish sometimes," she states.

"He has hope. Passion," I reply, gazing over at her. "I know he's all you have left. I can see it in your eyes. Eren isn't a flame; he's a hurricane of fire. He won't go out easily."

I give her a small smile before strolling to the girl's dorm and climbing into bed. After a few more minutes the others full the room with laughter and talk before it all goes silent.


	8. Sides

Nightmares of my mother's death corrupt my dreams and I quickly sit up, wiping the sweat and tears from my face. "Ren?" Erwin whispers from the door. 

"Yes?" I reply, squinting at the tall figure in the dim moonlight. 

"Get dressed and meet me by the stables," he orders and then leaves.

I'm careful not to make too much noise as I slide out of bed and into my uniform. As I gather my dirty clothes into a pile someone's hand darts out of the darkness and latches onto my wrist. I look up to see Annie. "Where are you going?" she asks. 

"Erwin came to get me. I assume I'm skipping the graduation ceremony tomorrow," I answer and she sighs, letting go. "I don't think we're going to see each other again. You'll be inside Wall Sina and I'll be out there doing God knows what. Let's face it; I'll probably be dead."

She shakes her head. "I will not let that happen. We'll both die of old age while living in that tree house of yours outside the Walls. I promise."

I smile and nod. Annie hands my a couple pieces of paper, telling me to only open and read them when I am completely alone. I take a few blank pieces and write thank you notes to Krista and Ymir before hugging Annie and heading to the stables to meet Erwin. He has our horses prepared when I get there and we quietly leave the Trainee's Camp, heading towards a building that has been set aside for those of the Scouting Legion who are attending the Graduation Ceremony. Once we're alone on an otherwise abandoned street Erwin speaks up.

"How was it?" He asks, glancing over at me.

"It was okay," I reply truthfully.

He chuckles. "I remember when you're father and I decided it'd be a genius idea to prank Shadis. We put a water bucket on the door of the dorm and it fell on him the second he walked in. We were sold out, of course, and got dishes duty for two weeks, but his face was priceless."

I laugh a full, happy laugh while imagining Shadis' reaction. I stare at Erwin and grin once he notices. He raises an eyebrow and I shake my head. "It's just... knowing that I get to see a side of you that very few people do."

"How many sides do you think I have?" 

"I don't know.." I smile and gradually get more serious. "You have you're professional side, and there's the one where you can let loose and smile and joke around, then there's you're personal side. The one that no-one else gets to see."

He smirks ever so slightly before returning to his usual composure. "We're here." We give our horses to a nice innkeeper and head towards. "I'm sorry for coming to get you so late; I just didn't want to make a scene like when you first arrived."

"Yeah, no, it's fine. What teenager hasn't sneaked out?" I reply, earning a smile from Erwin.

We go inside and there waits Levi and his squad as well as another girl who I recognize as Hanji Zoe. My mind traces back to my house, under the floorboards, on the pages of the titan book my father gave me. I never got a chance to grab it after Erwin and Levi showed up when I went back home. Just the thought of the slaving scientists hard at work trying to find the source of the titans while I have that simple little book that will give them all the answers. 

"I'll be right back," I say, slipping out the door.


	9. Pasts

I run down the streets faster than I've ever gone before. Once I reach my house I turn, making sure Erwin didn't follow me this time. I slowly push into the old, dusty, home and make my way to my room. I kneel, sliding aside the loose floorboards and picking up the book. I sit on my bed, staring at the brittle paper. I pull the pages Annie gave me out of my jacket and slowly unfold them, carefully listen for footsteps outside, but there are none. I begin reading her neat handwriting:

"There are more titanshifters. We don't know nearly all of them, but on these pages are the ones we do. Some people you may recognize, and they're sorry they couldn't tell you in person, but it would've been too risky. There have been generations of us and we're trusting you with our identities.

 

We trust you. I trust you.  
-Annie"

I slowly scan the papers, taking in every bit of information. The first page is solely about Annie. The next is dedicated to Reiner. Then Bertholdt. And lastly Ymir. My breathing shallows as I find I was surrounded by people trying to destroy humanity... and I don't mind. It scares me how calm I am now having discovered I'm involved in a plot to break the Walls. To kill the humans. To kill us.  
~  
I hide the book in my old messenger bag along with the papers and slowly walk back to the inn where I am staying. My mind is racing, but all I can do is walk. I've only ever barely been part of this life inside the Walls, though it sometimes seems so fit for me. It's not permanent, Ren. It can't be. Annie and the other titanshifters trust me, only they want to kill everyone else. I could sell them out, but I don't think even every military unit humanity has could save me from them then. It's not like I want to, anyway. Not giving away my best friend. I'm just going to think about it for a while...

I enter the inn and everyone's attention turns to me. "Where did you run off to?" Corporal Levi asks.

"To get some more fresh air. I still haven't gotten used to being inside all of the time," I answer.

Erwin glances at my bag and decides to let the questions slide for now. "Ren, this is-"

"Hanji Zoe," I interrupt him holding my hand out for the famous scientist and squad leader to shake. "I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm a real admirer of your work," I say as we separate. 

"Would you like to hear about some of it?!" she asks enthusiastically and Levi shakes his head at me over Hanji's shoulder.

I repeat his movement. "Maybe some other time. I think I'll be off to bed now."

As I walk down the hall and enter an empty room I hear the group in the lobby disband and go to their quarters as well. There is a knock on my door and I open it to reveal Levi. "Follow me," he orders and I obey. He leads me to the roof where we both seat ourselves on the edge and look over the city. "You're very complicated, you know that?" 

"There's a reason for that," I reply.

"Then, by all means, elaborate on your complexities."

I sigh, biting my lip. "It keeps people away." I feel his eyes on me, but I keep staring forward at the dim lights showing through the windows in the houses below. "I don't want to get close to anyone."

"You're so accustom to living alone you don't want to be tied to anything or anyone."

"But that's impossible," I say, looking at him. "Everyone has a past."

I feel the sudden urge to lean in and eliminate the space between us, but instead I stand up and walk back to my room. I'm beginning to get close to people; my fear coming true. These people will die and a part of me will, too. I won't be able to replace them because no-one will ever be the same. They'll stay in the form of a blank hole in my chest that can't be sown shut. I crawl into the bed and curl up in the fetal position, oblivious to the tears streaming own my cheeks until they create a wet puddle on my pillow. Somehow I drift off and awake to an awful, drenched sound. I realize it's my strangled sobs with the backdrop of a thunderstorm. I sit up, hugging my knees to my chest no matter how much I have trouble breathing. I don't remember a nightmare, but I still have this horrid feeling that something bad is about to happen. I don't recall how long I've been sitting here; when I look up the sun is peeking through the curtains and my face is dry, but the monstrous feeling still remains.   
~  
I stand behind stage and slowly sneak a peek of the lined cadets. Erwin is reading off the names of the top trainees and a ghost of a smile flashes on my lips at the sound of each one, especially Annie. "Ren Hatsumori." I freeze at the sound of my name, but slowly proceed to the stage with the smiling encouragements of Levi's squad and Hanji. "You are not part of the top ten, but are inside a category of your own making. You joined the cadets at the last three weeks of training and still graduated with flying colors. For that purpose, leader Hanji Zoe has requested you to join her squad. Do you accept her offer?"

I glance over at Hanji and see Levi raise an eyebrow behind her. "Yes," I answer, looking back to Erwin. The next time I glance behind stage Levi is gone. 

I hope, against all odds, everyone lives. Sometimes I get tired of pushing everyone away.


	10. Fight

Before everyone decides what they're going to choose out of the three regions, we work on Wall Rose. I'm in a group working on the cannons with Eren and some others I know from the trainee camp. Connie just said he is going to join the Scouting Region and Thomas is, too. Eren tries to argue. but I can see they're dead set.

Sasha walks up with a smug grin on her face. "Umm, everyone. I brought some meat from the officers' storehouse!"

They all look surprised while I chuckle to myself at her idiotic action. "Sasha! Do you want to end up in solitary confinement?!" Eren exclaims.

"You really are crazy!" Samuel says.

"So much it's scary..." Thomas adds.

"We can all share it later... all sliced up and between some bread." Sasha begins drooling.

Our subordinates begin yelling at her. "Go put it back!"

"Yeah! After we lost all that land, meat's become really valuable," Mina says.

"It'll be fine!" Sasha insists. "We can just raise more cattle and sheep once we retake our land!"

Samuel sighs. "I'll have some of the meat, too!"

"M-me too! Save me some!" Connie bursts.

"I'll have some too, of course!" Eren looks surprisingly at Mina.

"Guys..." he says.

"What about you, Ren?" Sasha asks as everyone gets back to work.

I push my rod deeper into the cannon. "I'm not eating any, but I won't rat you guys out," I answer and she smiles.

All of the sudden a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke strike. There stands the Colossal Titan, or who I recognize from the papers Annie gave me as... Bertholdt. I kneel down and cover me eyes, preparing for the rush of wind that is beginning to knock everyone else off. I feel a protective barrier set above me and look to see Bertl's giant hand blocking me from the gusts of air. He uncovers me and I stand, glancing over to the Wall to see the damage done. He kicked open the gate... Eren comes rushing up, ready to attack the titan. I simply stare as the scene plays out before me, trying to figure out if this is a dream or reality. As they battle at the top, I go down the Wall, helping Sasha set Samuel down safely. I jet back up to find Bertholdt disappeared and Eren disappointed once again. A Garrison Regiment soldier orders us to head to HQ and we wish our line of defense luck. I hear the bell ringing and see people evacuating. As everyone gets ready inside HQ I'm already prepared and awaiting orders. I stand, watching from the roof of the building. I see the first titan breach our makeshift barriers and jet down and inside to where everyone is still preparing. 

"They're here," I announce and it comes out like a death sentence. "The titans are inside."  
~  
"Ren Hatsumori," a messenger runs up to me as everyone else is spread around the courtyard, getting into their squads. "I have a special order from Commander Erwin and Commander Pyxis allowing you to assist whichever squads that deem fit throughout the battle. Is that understood?"

"Yes, sir," I answer.

I turn and see other cadets staring at me after witnessing my 'special order.' My heartbeat quickens as Mikasa runs up to me after getting an order of her own saying she's on rear-guard. I already know what she's going to say. "Protect Eren? Please," she asks and I nod.

"I will," I reply and she thanks me before hurrying off.

I glance over Bertholdt and slowly walk to him. His eyes land on me and then shift over to someone else who I can't see due to a crowd of people. "Hi," he says, almost nervously.

"Hey. Are you scared?" I ask.

He shrugs. "A little bit."

"I am," I say, grimacing. "But I'm refusing to lose everyone. It's not going to happen again."

I begin to turn around and bump right into Reiner. Bertholdt must've been signalling him... He leans down and puts his mouth next to my ear. "Did you read them?" he whispers and I nod. 

"Good luck on the battlefield."  
~  
I kill a couple of titans on my way to check on Eren's group. I hear a gutwrenching scream and go even faster in the direction it came from. It sounded like Armin... Once I get there I see Connie's group standing atop a building with the blond crying. I kneel beside him as Ymir makes the hypothesis that everyone else is dead. "Armin?" I ask, but he doesn't answer. "Armin, I remember overhearing you and Eren talking about the outside world. I remember the excited look in your eyes whenever you talked about the sea. I ventured over miles and miles and I saw the ocean. I saw the blue color and how the sun reflected off of it. I sunk my toes in the sand and whiffed the salty smell. It's truly beautiful. When we defeat the titans, I will take you and Eren to the ocean. Hell, I'll bring everyone. Eren is not dead. He can't be. I will pull him out of a goddamn titan if I have to. So come on, stand up. You don't want to not be here when he comes back, do you? I don't think so. Let's go kick some titan ass." 

 

We both jet back to the rearguard, passing Hanna and a dead Franz along the way. I keep Armin moving, though. I find Annie, Reiner, and Bertholdt standing on a building and look across to see Sasha trying to coax Armin up, but he's nearly beat. We all are. "What do you say, Reiner?" Annie asks. No-one has noticed me standing in the shadow of the steeple on this roof. 

"We wait..." he answers, saying more, but I block it out. 

How could we just wait while others die? Mikasa runs up, asking where Eren's squad is. I try to sink back into the stone even more. Armin announces that the rest of his squad is dead, shocking everyone but me. I can see the wheels turning in Mikasa's head as she makes a plan. A foolish, brave, plan. I step out of the shadows and stand behind her as she calls everyone else out on being cowards.

"Mikasa," I say and she whips around. "I didn't protect Eren. I let you down... but I sure as hell won't do it again." I stand beside her and we both face the other cadets. "We have fought for our lives this far, and now you just plan to give up? That is bullshit. Don't turn into cowards when faced with a hard task! Yes, this might be nearly impossible with just the two of us, but we are willing to give our lives for this and if you're not then what the hell do you think you signed up for? Tea parties? Try to argue with us, go ahead, but we're doing this no matter what."

"If we can't, we die," Mikasa adds. "But if we win, we live. We can't win unless we fight."

I drop my gear and slide my old sword out of one of the slots. "Here is the gas some of you need. Don't fucking waste it."

I grab onto Mikasa's arm and we fly off. I hear yelling and turn back to see everyone jetting after us, prepared to lay down their lives. Prepare to do what they came to do. Fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters will be longer from now on...

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry that it's so short!


End file.
